11 - Usagi vs. Rei: Nightmare in Dream Land

Last week's episodes weren't so great, eh? Never mind, because things start to improve for a bit starting with this latest episode.

The team are at Rei's shrine, where Luna is trying to conduct a meeting, but Usagi and Ami are more preoccupied with going through Rei's stuff. Ami's reading her encyclopedias while Usagi's reading her manga. By the way, this episode subtly kicks off the running theme that Rei is a bit of a closet nerd. It's never a huge thing, but it's always there, just another little element of her character.

Luna gets frustrated that nobody's listening to her lecture about how they need to find the moon princess. But as Usagi and Rei point out, they don't know how to find her, and Luna hasn't exactly been forthcoming with a description. Ami helps Luna save face by changing the subject and suggesting they focus on their other mission: dealing with these monsters that have been showing up recently. She points out a recent incident at the nearby amusement park, Dream Land, where fifty visitors apparently disappeared. Fortunately for us, there was no mention of flying buses in the vicinity.

This is the first episode with Masahiro Ando as art director. He has the infamous round-faced style, and a lot of fans aren't keen. For me, it really depends on the episode. The style is jarring in more serious episodes, but frankly, it sort of works in more whimsical episodes like this one.

But it's not all fun and games: in the Dark Kingdom, Jadeite is getting a right old bollocking for having screwed up another plan, and letting yet another Sailor Guardian show up. Beryl is now openly threatening him, and he nervously insists that he has another energy-gathering plan in place; a really, really good one this time.

The gang visit Dream Land, where Jadeite is posing as the park's PR guy and taking questions from reporters. Well, kind of: he insists the park has nothing to do with the disappearances, then ejects the press from the building. Literally ejects them.

Jadeite might have his failings as an evil general, but he's definitely someone you'd want on your side at a press conference.

Ami and Rei debate what could have happened to the visitors who disappeared, then realize they've lost Usagi somewhere. Usagi, of course, is trying out the rides. One scolding from Luna later, I'm reminded why I sometimes like Ando's art style: you get priceless scenes like this.

It's the combination of Rei's pose and Ami's expression that makes it perfect, I think. And it's quickly followed by this...

Which is Usagi's response to a friggin' lion showing up in front of them. Well, it turns out that the lion is animatronic, and is one of many animatronic animals operated by the park's mascot, Princess Dream. Because what amusement park experience isn't enhanced by realistic apex predators wandering the grounds? Princess Dream demonstrates how she can control the park's animals using a weird apple she carries around with her. Man, I knew those Disney princesses had to have a secret. I'm onto you, Snow White.

Rei is thoroughly creeped out by Princess Dream, and thinks something's up. Usagi is unconvinced. Come on, Usagi, listen to the psychic girl. Princess Dream further ingratiates herself with Usagi by inviting her to a show at the House of Sweets. The House of Sweets? That's like Usagi's heaven. The only way it could be better is if it was called the House of Sweets, Hot Guys and No Homework.

We get a closeup of the House of Sweets, but... hey, isn't that the Dark Kingdom music playing? Yep, Jadeite is inside, surrounded by unconscious bodies, talking about how he intends to lure the Sailor Guardians inside. Which does at least show that the Dark Kingdom have finally started gathering intel on their enemies. Their data for Sailor Moon probably consists of "likes sweets".

Our heroes search the park for suspicious activity, but aren't finding anything, so Luna decides they'll split up. She'll go with Ami, who's the least likely to call her out on having no idea what she's doing, which means Usagi and Rei are stuck with each other. They investigate Princess Dream again. Rei is still suspicious of her, and unnerved by the crowd of children forming around her and her fake animals. She tries to get a small boy away from her, but Usagi insists that it's fine, and this dispute can only escalate into one thing...

Childhood trauma. One day years from now this kid will be telling a therapist about the time two amazingly strong women tried to pull his legs off.

Usagi and Rei switch to patrolling the park... on a tiny train driven by a panda. The train stops suddenly, and Usagi collides with the guy in front, who is... Mamoru! Mamoru tells Usagi off as usual, and Rei, who's spent the last few hours being massively irritated by Usagi, hits it off with him. Well, after so many episodes being on the receiving end of Mamoru's inexplicable ire, Usagi tells him off, pointing out that a grown man riding the kiddie train isn't in a position to be judging others.

It's really great to see Usagi giving as good as she gets. This is probably my favorite scene in the episode. Rei thinks Mamoru looks like Tuxedo Mask, while Usagi is unimpressed with the comparison.

Usagi and Rei meet up with Luna outside the House of Sweets. Rei senses evil, and Ami has already gone in. Inside, Princess Dream shows up and breathes a strange hypnotic gas on the crowd, causing them to fall into a dream-like state. She then uses her apple to start absorbing their energy. Ami is aware of what's happening, but also starts to succumb to the energy draining.

Outside, Rei senses that something really bad has happened. The doors are locked, and Usagi starts to freak out that Ami's trapped. There's a little bit between her and Rei where Rei insists that just because she's acting calm, it doesn't mean she isn't concerned. They both transform, and Sailor Mars blows the doors off with Fire Soul. Jadeite senses them as they enter: he intended to lure them in here.

Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars and Luna encounter Princess Dream, who starts working her illusion magic on them. She hands Sailor Moon a garland of flowers, and as Sailor Mars tries to knock it away, it turns into a snake. Mars gets bitten and her arm starts turning to stone. Again, Mars doesn't freak out, but uses an ofuda to expel the evil influence, freeing her. Then she demands Princess Dream show her true form.

Rei, why did you have to ask her that?

Oh god oh god oh god

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Thanks to my friend Crayola for providing these gifs; still images just don't do this scene justice. The spinning and the mechanical sound effects and the creepy, creepy music box music just makes this an amazingly scary sequence. Evil dolls are pretty much guaranteed to be scary, but they really nailed this scene. Brrrr.

So, the Youma's name is Moorido. That's a slightly different translation than I'd been expecting, but no matter. In Japanese, her name is an anagram of "dream", but that kind of thing just can't be reproduced in English. You'll be pleased to know that in addition to her freaky appearance, Moorido also speaks in a weird, faux-childlike falsetto.

She sprays more of the hallucinogenic gas their way. Sailor Moon resolves not to fall for another illusion, but the illusion this time is Tuxedo Mask. And both Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars fall for it. Completely.

In their defense, who wouldn't want a man with his own horse? While I'd usually be inclined to criticize the episode for having the characters act like idiots, I think this slightly balances out the running theme of Sailor Mars being way more competent than Sailor Moon: sometimes, Mars can be a huge dork too.

Fortunately, the real Tuxedo Mask shows up just long enough to knock Moorido's apple out of her grasp, disrupting the illusion. Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars look kind of embarrassed, then run for it when the Youma prepares to work the same magic on them again. They meet up with Ami, who's fared better than the room full of unconscious visitors, but is still weakened. She tells them that the source of the Youma's energy-draining power is the apple, and then transforms into Sailor Mercury.

Mercury casts Bubble Spray, leaving the Youma unable to see her surroundings. Mars descends on her with a frankly unnecessary panty shot, and attaches an ofuda to her head, freezing her in place. Then Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars deliver a combined Moon Tiara Action/Fire Soul, turning the Youma to dust. Jadeite watches his plan evaporate and swears revenge, but he's sweating a lot more now that he used to. And... did the whole building just turn to dust? Hmm.

I guess the rest of the park is non-evil, though, because the girls are walking through it afterwards and it looks fine. Then I guess nobody could think of an ending for this episode, because after squabbling with Rei a bit, Usagi falls over. Oh well.

Monster of the day: Moorido. Evil appearance, evil voice, evil transformation. She has some kind of dream-inducing illusion magic. She makes snakes that turn people to stone. She's bad news.

Most valuable person: As the title says, it's Usagi versus Rei! Rei wins, showing she's really on top of things, even if she was a bit mean to Usagi and capable of screwing up herself on occasion.

Least valuable person: It's tempting to go with Usagi, as the episode ramped up her stupidity and childishness, though not nearly as much as the last episode did. I'm going with Mamoru instead, though, because while did get called out on it, his sole purpose this episode was to do his usual being-a-jerk routine.

This episode is a mixed bag, though a bag containing mostly good things. A lot of the interplay between Usagi and Rei is fun, there's some good comedy, and the Youma is scary as balls. On the other hand... Usagi plays it a bit too dumb at times, and I really hate that lazy, lazy ending. This episode is a pretty solid three stars out of five: not amazing, but certainly entertaining.

10 - The Cursed Bus: Enter Mars, the Guardian of Fire

This episode is a tale of wasted potential. It's Rei's debut episode. Everyone loves Rei! She's an awesome character. How could her debut not be just as awesome? Plus, the first half sets up some genuinely interesting stuff, and then... well, we'll get to it.

We start off with Beryl chewing out Jadeite. She's annoyed that the Silver Crystal hasn't been found yet, and says that if the Sailor Guardians get to it first, they'll all be in serious trouble. She tells Jadeite to get more human energy and deal with the Sailor Guardians properly this time.

Usagi and Luna are out walking, and are surprised to see police cars speeding past them. I'm surprised every time this show remembers that the cops exist. They see Ami at a bus stop, and Ami tells them she's on her way to cram school. Usagi's surprised that Ami's attending a cram school that she needs a bus to get to, but bear in mind her last cram school turned its students into zombies, so it makes sense that she'd look further afield. More cops go past, then Naru and Kuri show up. They tell Usagi and Ami about a strange incident on the bus route the previous day, when the 6 PM bus, full of passengers, disappeared. The police kept it quiet at first, but when no ransom demand was made, they made the investigation public. All of the girls are pretty freaked out by this, but Usagi remembers there's a famous shrine nearby, whose good luck amulets are said to be very effective. They decide to head there, except for Ami, who has cram school.

At the Hikawa shrine, some schoolgirls ring the shrine bell and pray for good luck in love. Sweeping up nearby is... Jadeite? Inside the shrine, a shrine maiden flanked by two crows consults the flames, and senses a dark energy approaching.

Back outside, the shrine's strange old head priest offers the girls a special blessing, offers them jobs at the shrine, tries to get them to buy more stuff and is maybe just a bit too friendly. They run off, laughing. The priest greets the next group, which is Usagi, Luna, Naru, and Kuri, and asks them if they'd like to work as shrine maidens. His granddaughter Rei, the shrine maiden, shows up and scolds him for flirting with visitors. Usagi blushes at how pretty Rei is, and we get this absolutely priceless line.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a double entendre in Japanese as well, but I do know that both Viz and ADV translated this line the exact same way. Given the other characters' reactions to Usagi saying this out loud, I think it's fair to say she was pretty obviously smitten in both languages.

As the previous group of girls leave the shrine, Jadeite casts some dark magic on them, causing their eyes to glaze over. Rei senses something evil, jumps straight into exorcism mode, and smacks Usagi right in the face with an ofuda. Oops...

Usagi is recovering inside the shrine. Naru and Kuri see Jadeite and want to know who the hot guy is. The mention of a hot guy brings Usagi round. Rei explains that her grandpa is overly friendly with everyone who visits the shrine, and offered this guy a job. Looks like everyone in this show appreciates a hot guy.

Rei apologizes for knocking Usagi out, and says that something weird has been happening, throwing off her psychic powers. Luna wonders if these powers could mean she's their princess. Then a woman storms in and says her daughter disappeared on the bus yesterday. She thinks the shrine has something to do with it. Rei chases her out, saying they've already spoken to the police and defending her grandpa against the accusations.

Outside the the shrine, Luna tells Usagi the enemy must be involved. They call Ami back, and notice the line of stunned-looking girls at the bus stop, all of them with love amulets from the Hikawa shrine. The bus pulls up, and the girls start to get on. Though Ami and Luna want to get on the bus and investigate, Usagi freaks out and refuses. A freakout of this magnitude feels a bit out of character given the scary stuff Usagi has willingly walked into by this point in the show, but oh well. Ami says they'll just have to come back tomorrow, but then the bus... uh... takes off. And flies into a weird black portal. Well, that would explain where the last bus went. The bus emerges into a weird dimension - the show loves its weird dimensions recently - and the driver contacts Jadeite, then drains the energy from the unconscious girls on board.

The next day, Usagi and Luna return to the shrine to talk to Rei. Usagi says she saw another bus disappear, and wants to know if Rei has any information, but Rei takes it as an accusation and shoos Usagi away. Luna has left her a little present, though, and not in the way cats usually do...

Okay, just leaving the transformation pen on the ground is a weird strategy. Even assuming Rei picks it up, she isn't going to know what to do with it. Well, the episode has been mostly quite good up until now, but this moment signals its descent into the depths of stupid.

Rei takes the item, and starts to wonder about Jadeite. They certainly have been selling a lot of amulets since he showed up. She consults her fire again, but Jadeite disturbs her. She tells him to bugger off, and starts to wonder if his presence is what's been messing up her divinations.

Usagi and Luna are in the line for the bus again. Usagi wants to know why Luna just left that pen there for Rei to find. Me too, Usagi. The bus arrives, and they'd been planning to get on it with Ami, but she isn't there yet. So Usagi and Luna will have to investigate themselves. And Usagi freaks out again.

Your hero, ladies and gentlemen. Look, I get it, show. You're introducing a cool new character and you want her to seem as awesome as possible. Fair enough. But I'm sure there are better ways to do it then making the main heroine look pathetic. It's fine that Usagi gets scared. It's part of her character. But this? It's embarrassing.

So, Usagi has an idea, and uses the disguise pen to turn into a flight attendant. Yes, a flight attendant. It is a flying bus, so I guess that makes some sense, kind of. She and Luna get on the bus and see that all of the girls who got on are now unconscious. Usagi challenges the bus driver, but the bus takes off like the previous one did, disappearing into a dimensional rift thingy. Ami arrives just in time to see them disappear.

Rei conducts another divination, and the flames indicate that Jadeite is to blame for everything that's happened. Don't ask me why her powers are suddenly working again now. She goes to confront him, accompanied by her crows. Unfortunately, Jadeite is a higher-tier evil than she'd been expecting, and he opens another black-hole-portal-thing (it's not like the show ever explains these damn things, so I've no idea what to call them) and she and the crows get sucked inside.

In the weird dimension, which has been repainted since the last episode's clock theme, we see the three buses floating in the air. Okay, so that would mean... there's no gravity here? Nope, there's gravity, as Usagi and Luna discover when they exit the bus and fall on the ground. The buses are just floating there because... because that's how the Dark Kingdom rolls, okay? The bus driver jumps out, and catches Rei as she falls out of another portal. The bus driver reveals her Youma form, and I have to say, she's one of the scariest-looking Youma the show has given us.

Usagi... cries again. I mean, why not go for the hat trick at this point? Then she transforms.She throws her tiara at the Youma, which dodges it. Then Rei's crows show up and attack the Youma. She drops Rei to fight them off, because... actually, I guess that's fair enough. Crows are scary, and this Youma has the additional problem of looking like a corpse, so for all she knows, they're looking for lunch. Then the tiara loops back and the Youma grabs it, and then... well... it somehow turns into a big glowing ring that wraps around her and traps her. No, the tiara has never done this before, and it will never do it again. They completely pulled this power out of their asses.

While the Youma's restrained, Luna tells Rei to use the transformation pen she picked up earlier to become Sailor Mars. Yeah, so it looks like leaving the pen there earlier served no purpose, since Luna could have just given it to her here. Anyway, the Youma breaks free and Rei transforms.

Sailor Mars has joined the fight! Sorry your debut episode sucks so bad...

Sailor Mars uses her Fire Soul attack against the Youma, and... instantly burs her to death. Pretty good for a first try, I'd say. But the attack also causes the portal to start to close. I don't know why, it just does. The crows start to make a break for it, but since the portal's way up in the air, our not-flying protagonists seem to be completely stuffed. More crying from Sailor Moon. Back at the bus stop, Ami sheds a tear onto her transformation pen, and... uh... a light starts shining through the portal.

Yeah... Um... yeah. Let's go with that. In any case, it's not like they didn't already know where the exit was; they just can't get to it because it's in the sky. So how are they supposed to get there? And what about all the unconscious victims in the buses?

There's been plenty of dumb stuff already, but it's at this point that the episode truly decides it just doesn't give a crap.

Tuxedo Mask! Hi! You're... on a bus. In a dimensional void.

But hang on, the portal's still up in the sky. How are they supposed to...

Right. Okay then. Tuxedo Mask was here all along, and he can drive magical flying buses.

You know, I complained a bit in the last episode about how Tuxedo Mask just sort of showed up out of nowhere and inexplicably knew exactly what to do. The tuxedo ex machina. This is the same thing, but times a hundred. I can't imagine a dumber resolution.

So they arrive back in reality, and conveniently don't show the process of landing three buses simultaneously on concrete. Tuxedo Mask disappears, there's a bit where Sailor Moon wonders if Sailor Mars is in love with Tuxedo Mask; Mars says she isn't but doesn't rate Sailor Moon's chances with a an ace bus pilot. Then Usagi cries again because God knows we haven't had enough of that already in this episode.

And Mars succinctly expresses her feelings about the quality of her debut episode.

Monster of the day: Kigaan. Kigaan looks cool! Kigaan has no cool powers at all. Seriously. Even the Nakayoshi Anime Album, a guidebook which often includes details that didn't make it into the episodes, lists her powers as "Drives a bus".

Most valuable person: Rei, I guess. Burning up that Youma was pretty badass.

Least valuable person: Usagi, who cries so much in this episode she's in danger of severe dehydration. Even episode one Usagi would find this kind of crying excessive.

Like I said at the beginning, this episode had the potential to be good. Now, I'm a fan of the Sailor Moon anime first and foremost. You won't hear me say "it was better in the manga" very often, but... it was better in the manga. And here's the thing: the manga version of this story was pretty dumb too, but it didn't revel in its own stupidity anywhere near as much as this episode does.

For instance, all the stuff with Usagi crying and refusing the get on the first bus was added, presumably because they needed to fill time: the story is based on a single manga chapter which would last maybe ten minutes in a straight adaptation. The way in which they escape from the dimensional void is different in the manga. It's still pretty stupid, but it's not Tuxedo-Mask-in-a-flying-bus stupid. Even the scene where Rei smacks Usagi with an ofuda... in the anime it just comes out of nowhere, but it the manga it's the first time they're meeting, so it makes sense that Rei might mistake this unexpected newcomer for her enemy. The anime has a lot of stuff happen without any explanation, and while the manga does too, it at least has the excuse of there being limited space to tell the story. The anime had so much additional time that it was inserting scenes of Usagi crying just to fill up the episode. Why not use some of that time to explain some of the crazy crap that's happening?

This episode gets one star out of five. That doesn't mean it didn't have some good stuff in there, it's just that said good stuff was completely outweighed by the nonsense that followed. This is probably one of the most-watched episodes of Sailor Moon. As Rei's debut episode it's on every "essential episodes" list (and don't get me started on how stupid that is; if you want to watch the show, just watch the damn show). This should have been a classic episode, but they blew it completely.

And I know there are people that like this episode. If you're one of them, more power to you. My opinions often don't match up with the rest of the fandom. There are two more episodes this season that I know will be getting one star, and both of them are popular episodes. It's all just my own opinions, and it's my opinion that Rei deserved something much, much better than this for her debut episode.

9 - Usagi's Disaster: Beware of the Clock of Confusion

"I'll bet even the cuckoo in the cuckoo clock is angry!" Sailor Moon has the best fighting talk of anyone ever. What did those cuckoos ever do to you, Dark Kingdom?

Queen Beryl isn't impressed that there's now a second Sailor Guardian running around and ruining their energy-harvesting schemes. That's like the opposite of progress. Jadeite pacifies her with talk of a plan to make people panicked and impatient, then taking that heightened energy. Beryl likes it so much, she does her Captain Picard impression.

Jadeite had better hope he's Will Riker and not Tasha Yar.

By the way, the art in this episode is... not that great. Sailor Moon had a lot of different art directors over the years, and some of them were less good at keeping characters on model than others. Two in particular are notable for having a style that deviated quite a bit from the standard: Masahiro Ando, and Taichi Nakamura (credited during the first season as Akira Nakamura), who was responsible for this episode. Ando's style is probably the most recognizable; his characters are chubby-looking with rounder faces, and he probably gets the most flak from fans. Personally, I think Nakamura is worse: his characters have large chins and look extremely flat, and his attempts at perspective resulted in some of the worst art in the entire series. Art isn't something that's going to impact review scores much, but it is something worth pointing out.

We catch up with Usagi and Ami, our temporarily oddly-drawn protagonists, on a shopping trip. Ami's lived a very sheltered life... to the extent that she's never been shopping before? Well, not in a consumerist utopia like this, anyway. What follows is a shopping montage, and... well, even though I just decided not to dwell on the art too much, the fact that they decided not to fully animate this section, combined with the dodgy art, makes it... kind of... sucky.

Okay, no more complaining about the art, I promise. Usagi and Ami notice a clock store having a huge sale. The saleswoman is creepy, and we all know what that means, but Usagi and Ami don't notice. Usagi sees a clock that looks a bit like Luna, and goes to buy it in the hopes of one day getting to school on time, but can't because she's broke. I do like how irritated saleswoman-who-is-blatantly-a-Youma looks during this part.

Ami cheers Usagi up by promising to call for her on her way to school. But when Usagi returns home, it turns out her mom also visited the store and bought some clocks. She got the Luna-like clock for Usagi, though Luna is kind of offended that they see a resemblance.

Personally I see this as justified retribution for that offensive caricature Luna drew of Usagi in episode four. Who's giving who body image issues now?

Anyway, Luna's misgivings that the clock looks sinister are vindicated when it starts emitting a weird light in the middle of the night, along with other clocks in the house. In the morning, Ami arrives to pick Usagi up, but is surprised to hear that she already left for school. Shingo left even earlier, dad sprints past, and mom quickly excuses herself because she has so much to do.

At school, it's chaos. Usagi, Naru, Umino and a few other students have shown up early, as has Haruna, who's getting impatient waiting for the rest. Usagi's already eaten her lunch (though that could just be Usagi being Usagi). Naru wants to find the other students and drag them to class herself. Everyone's going crazy, though Haruna has at least found a way to benefit from the situation.

Haruna leaves for an early morning date, and her students leave too. Ami heads to school, confused by the chaos around her, but there's an even more confusing sight in store for her...

What the... Why... Okay, I get that Luna, being a cat, might not be dextrous enough to carry the clock, and I guess the plot demanded she get it to Ami somehow. But you know what's a lot harder for a cat than carrying a small clock? Securely tying a small clock to its own body. Just look at this picture. It's ridiculous and lazy. Yeah, how would Luna transport something she couldn't pick up? I don't know, it's a challenge for a writer. Be creative! Come up with something... better than this. Better than a cat with a clock strapped to its torso. She looks like a cat suicide bomber.

Luna wants Ami to analyze the clock, and once it's been removed she's able to do the item-summoning dance. She gives Ami a supercomputer to help with the analysis, saying it would be too much for Usagi. Um... the computer clearly isn't meant for Usagi, seeing as it has the symbol of Mercury all over it, so it comes off as Luna just taking another opportunity to call Usagi dumb.

On a positive note, though, I really like the supercomputer. It's a sci-fi-ish computer in a show from over twenty years ago, and it doesn't seem dated. In an era when actual supercomputers took up entire rooms and even cellphones were big enough to club someone to death with, they came up with this powerful palm-sized computer that seems like it would be a cool thing to own even today.

It turns out Ami doesn't really need the supercomputer to analyze the clock, though. She opens it up and a pulse of energy shoots out, but otherwise the clock is empty, with no mechanism. Luna theorizes that the clock store is to blame, and everyone who owns one of their clocks is being affected.

Meanwhile, the mass impatience is causing people to ignore traffic lights, leading to a huge pile-up, though apparently we're to believe that the worst injury was some guy cutting his finger. Also, this guy decides he's going to be late for his flight.

Okay, that's pretty funny. Jadeite oversees the harvesting of energy from the frenzied population. The energy is apparently being collected by a giant clock in the clock store. We also get to see the Youma's true form. What is it with characters from this show looking like musicians from the eighties? Meanwhile, with Usagi...

Things aren't going so well. Ami and Luna haven't been able to contact her and wonder if they should try dealing with this themselves, but Usagi soon emerges unscathed from a nearby bus crash. I swear, the damage caused in this one episode has to be greater than all of the previous episodes combined. Ami and Luna tell Usagi what's going on, and Usagi is keen to help... but is still being affected by the impatience-magic and so decides the best tactic is just to storm into the clock store from the front. At least she takes the time to transform first, and I do like that they recorded a different, faster version of her transformation phrase for this episode.

Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury head through a smoking hole in the storefront left by Moon Tiara Action, but the hole seals itself up before Luna can get inside. They confront the Youma, and pose like they're a Conan the Barbarian cover.

 

Only with more clothes and fewer corpses. The Youma activates the giant clock, which creates a weird energy field that she escapes into. Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury follow her in. By the way, when the clock starts up, it's... upside down. At first I wondered if it was like that deliberately, but nope, in all of the other shots, it's a regular clock. It's just an animation error. That's another thing that bugs me about Nakamura's art: a lack of attention to detail. Yeah, I lied when I said I wasn't going to complain about the art anymore. Most of the art screw-ups of this nature that I can think of are in his episodes.

Our heroes emerge in Salvador Dali's Persistence of Memory Experience, a weird dimension filled with clocks, because... time. The unseen Youma taunts them, Sailor Moon rushes off to find her, and Mercury switches on her visor and follows. They don't really explain it at this point but the visor comes with the supercomputer, and it's pretty cool. So they end up in another room made of screentone, and Mercury advises Sailor Moon to wait until she's analyzed her surroundings. She takes out her computer, so now she's looking at a screen through another screen, which might sound like overkill to you, but this is Mercury. Also, there are some Robocop references in the on-screen text. So while Mercury is investigating, Sailor Moon wanders off and gets de-aged, until Mercury pulls her back, reversing the process, and warns her than wandering around in a dimension created by a time monster isn't a good idea. Then we get to see Usagi's daydream of what else the dimension could do to her...

Which is disturbing, sure, but I'll still take it over the manga's obsession with showing people melting away into skeletons repeatedly.

Meanwhile! Tuxedo mask enters an empty building, and seems confused. Then it's back to our protagonists, and after an even more blatant Robocop reference, Sailor Mercury figures out where they need to go. They head off in that direction and do indeed find the Youma there, but there's a problem. Sailor Moon's still under the influence of her clock, and is suddenly weakened as her energy is drained away. The Youma then stops time around Sailor Mercury, except not really, because she's still aware and can move a bit, so it's more like she just paralyzed her. Like most of the 'time' effects in this episode, it doesn't actually make sense if you stop to think about it.

Tuxedo Mask is in the clock store, standing in front of the giant clock. Then he seems to notice something, and throws a rose at the giant clock, cracking its face (which is upside down for a second time, gah). This part just seems to come completely out of nowhere. How did he know what to do? What was he suddenly noticing? Having seen the whole show before, I'm pretty sure I know what they were intending with this scene, but the first time I saw it, it confused me. And not in a "they've set up a cool mystery here" way, but in a "huh?" way.

But however Tuxedo Mask knew what to do, it worked, as the stored energy is now released. Sailor Mercury can move again, and casts Bubble Spray. Sailor Moon, her energy now restored, aims her tiara at the gleaming Youma eyes visible through the mist, and kills the Youma. The entire store just disappears around them, leaving them standing in the street.

So, er, that's that, really. There's a tacked-on final scene where Naru runs up and tells Usagi that some cake store is having a competition for the fastest eater. Usagi runs after her and falls over, because the episode is just that lazy. I swear, Usagi falling over is this show's equivalent of "character makes a weak joke, everyone laughs, fade out." If you can't think of an ending for your episode, have Usagi fall over.

Monster of the day: Ramua. Her weapon is a spear shaped like a clock hand, she looks like an eighties pop star crossed with a member of a Kiss tribute band, and she has power over time... sort of.

Most valuable person: Ami again, who takes charge and assists Usagi (who was being affected by the clock and thus not at her most rational) through the maze.

Least valuable person: Luna is back to her unnecessarily bitchy ways. Knock it off, Luna.

This episode isn't terrible, but there's just such a lack of imagination when it comes to the evil plot. A Youma that can manipulate time? That should be terrifyingly powerful. There's all kinds of cool stuff you could do with it. Instead we get a nondescript pocket dimension decorated with clocks and a few tricks that don't even really count as time manipulation. Time wasn't actually running backwards for Sailor Moon when she de-aged, and time didn't stop for Sailor Mercury. Even the main scheme, collecting energy from impatient people, didn't rely on time manipulation so much as manipulating people's perception of time. Add in all of the other things that seem to have been done out of sheer laziness - tying the clock to Luna, the tuxedo ex machina resolution to the fight, and that ending, and this is an episode that just doesn't even want to try. There are a few good bits - a lot of the chaos resulting from the clocks is entertaining, and Ami is written well - but overall this episode gets a disappointing two stars out of five.

8 - Is the Genius Girl a Demon?! The Brainwashing Cram School of Horror

It's time for Ami's introductory episode. And I can't help but feel the irony that the title, the pre-episode teaser and the preview from the last episode all conceal the fact that Ami's a Sailor Guardian... when that surprise is kind of spoiled by the opening. But whatever, the teaser kept in the Einstein and Hawking references, so it's fine.

(By the way, even though I've always used Sailor Senshi, I guess I'll be using Sailor Guardian from now on as that seems to be the official translation now. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll be using every Viz translation; for instance, I use Youma rather than Monster because the show has plenty of other monsters, and it cuts down on ambiguity)

We start in the Dark Kingdom, where Jadeite and Queen Beryl are discussing cram schools and might just possibly be voicing the opinions of the writers here. Competitive parents are likened to Youma, pushing their kids to be in the top schools, then top universities. Beryl asks what happens when they leave the top universities.

Yep, I'll drink to that. And while the writers' previous attempts at social commentary resulted in the muddled message of episode four, this one doesn't get in the way of the rest of the episode.

In the Tsukino house, Usagi's mom is very keen to know how Usagi did on the recent practice exams. The results are due the next day, and Usagi... isn't confident. She laments to Luna, who isn't too sympathetic when she sees that Usagi is only pretending to study, and is in fact reading comics. The discussion moves to the mission to find the princess, and the nature of their enemies. Usagi, quite justifiably, wants to know exactly what it is she's fighting, and Luna doesn't know.

That night, Luna sneaks into the Crown arcade and consults a mysterious contact via a communications system built into the Sailor V game. She expresses frustration with Sailor Moon, and mentions sensing a strange energy from a girl she's seen recently. Her contact doesn't really offer her any new information, but tells her to prioritize her investigation of this girl.

At school the next day, the exam results are out, and Ami Mizuno scored first place - not just in the school, but in the entire country. Naru, Umino and that nameless sort-of-chubby girl from episode four tell Usagi how Ami attends an expensive cram school, but doesn't have to pay since they gave her a scholarship (it's common for cram schools to let extremely high-achieving students attend for free, because it's good publicity and helps keep their average scores high). Popular opinion of Ami is pretty negative, it seems, and Usagi sees Ami nearby, looking lonely. They make eye contact, and Usagi panics because her group was just gossiping about her, and tries to act natural, and fails because Usagi is a terrible liar.

Oh, and for anyone who's never seen the show but is inexplicably finding out about it for the first time via these recaps, Ami is totally the girl that Luna was suspicious of. Shock!

Usagi's exam results sucked, and on the way home she laments that her mom is bound to be angry... though the details of her daydream are a little... uh...

Anyway, Usagi notices Ami, just in time to see Luna drop from above and land on top of her. Ami's response is to pet her, because kitty! This isn't quite what Luna expected. Usagi makes her presence known, and Ami starts being completely adorable.

Usagi agrees with me. She starts to hit it off with Ami, despite Luna's whispered warnings that there's something not quite right about her. Usagi has an ulterior motive, though: a genius like Ami might be able to help her with her awful grades.

They visit the arcade, Ami mentions that she hasn't played video games before, so Usagi says she'll be her tutor. Usagi kind of sucks at the Sailor V game. Then Ami takes her turn, and... well, she's good. In fact, she gets the arcade's all-time high score, and draws a crowd of astonished gamers. Then she realizes she's late for her cram school, and pushes through the crowd to get away. Usagi expresses surprise that Ami attends cram school every day, but she sadly says that studying is the only thing she's good at. After she leaves, Motoki hands Usagi a floppy disc that Ami dropped in her hasty departure. Meanwhile, there's something evil at Ami's cram school, but it ain't Ami...

Ami arrives at cram school and realizes she doesn't have her disc. Side note: I just noticed that the Japanese for floppy disc is furoppii. That's awesome. Anyway, Ami shrugs it off, since she doesn't use the disc much anyway. The cram school teacher, who looks downright freaky, shows up and reminds her that she should totally be using the disc all the time, by the way. Ami smiles and nods, but once she's gone she mentions that using the disc gives her headaches.

So, what's on the disc? Usagi and Luna are outside the cram school reading their publicity, which says that using their disc can make anyone a genius. Then Mamoru shows up, making fun of the very idea that Usagi might be interested in studying, because, I dunno, for every one hundred times he deflates a teenage girl's ego he gets a free hideous jacket or something. More to the point, he asks, was that cat just talking? The reaction to this is just priceless.

Well, in their haste to evade questioning, they didn't get the chance to return Ami's disc. But Luna's suspicious of it, and asks Usagi to return to the school and find a computer so that they can study it. Usagi's no good with computers that don't have joysticks attached, but fortunately Luna is. They load the disc and get a literal blue screen of death, which emits a piercing sound while Jadeite's voice commands them to surrender their energy. Luna decides this must mean that Ami is their enemy, since of course she's the only one who attends that cram school. Right? Luna jumps to a lot of conclusions in this episode.

They return to the cram school, and Usagi uses the Disguise Pen to change into a doctor. She rushes in, claiming she heard someone inside needed medical attention. From the look of the students, everyone in there needs medical attention. Except for Ami, who tells Usagi to quiet down because people are trying to study. She accuses Ami of being a Youma, and transforms into Sailor Moon. Ami is understandably stunned...

Which allows the teacher to grab her. In a twist I bet you didn't see coming, the teacher is a Youma! Sailor Moon, a little pissed off at Luna for jumping to the wrong conclusion, confronts the Youma. Unfortunately, this is Garoben, the Youma of knowledge, and there's going to be a quiz. Sailor Moon fails the physics part of the exam and has to dodge razor-sharp test papers as a result. Then the Youma sets the hordes of brainwashed zombie students on her, while she prepares to extract Ami's genius energy. Only... it doesn't work, and Ami is unharmed, because she didn't use the disc. A symbol lights up on Ami's head, and Luna seems to recognize it. Yep, she's one of the Sailor Guardians, explaining the weird energy Luna had sensed from her. Luna spawns a new item with her magical stock footage of item spawning, but right now, Ami is preoccupied with a Youma that wants the energy from her brain, and is prepared to go to extreme lengths to get it. These include turning her arm into an axe to cut off Ami's head.

Holy crap, that is far and away the scariest thing this show has done so far. Luna tosses Ami her new transformation pen and tells her what to do. To her credit, Ami doesn't even act surprised that a cat is talking to her, and instead repeats the transformation phrase and gets down to business.

Sailor Mercury has joined the fight!

Sailor Moon's having a bit of a zombie problem, and Mercury's still being pursued by a Youma intent on decapitation, so Luna advises Mercury to use her attack. So, yeah, the attack is translated as Bubble Spray, which isn't inaccurate, but might piss off some purists who preferred Sabão Spray. Personally I always liked Shabon Spray, the compromise version that pissed off everyone. In any case, given the hawk-like supervision this translation is getting from the creators, things as significant as attack names are undoubtedly subject to approval from on-high, so this one probably comes straight from the top.

But let's talk about the attack. In the first season, Mercury has the suckiest powers. Bubble Spray is a debuff; it doesn't generally inflict damage. Still, it can be situationally very useful, such as here, where Mercury reduces her opponent's ability to see her in a room full of reflective computer screens. Sure enough, the Youma ends up attacking the screens. Sailor Moon uses the opportunity to send a tiara her way, and the Youma is killed. As the cram school students come to their senses, Sailor Moon and Luna welcome their new recruit to the team.

Back at school, Usagi is happy to have Ami as an ally, since there'll be all that help with studying she's sure to get from it. Ami, for her part, seems to be taking this Sailor Guardian business very seriously indeed, and Usagi has a sudden feeling that she's going to be outclassed in this field as well.

Monster of the day: Garoben, the Youma of knowledge, has a distinctive design and a pretty weird fighting style (questions followed by telekinetic paper projectiles?). Also, her arm transforms into an axe for cutting off heads. Yeah, she's memorable.

Most valuable person: How could it be anyone other than Ami? She takes on her new role with a surprising amount of ease and enthusiasm.

Least valuable person: A triple award for Naru, Umino and the sort-of-chubby girl for badmouthing Ami apparently just out of jealousy.

The addition of Sailor Mercury adds some much-needed analytical expertise to the team. I know that was supposed to be Luna's thing up until now, but look at how much her info gathering skills suck in this episode. I have some issues with how Ami's character was handled later on in the show, but in this first episode, she's interesting and sympathetic. For some great character and comedy, this episode gets four stars out of five.

7 - Usagi Learns Her Lesson: Becoming a Star is Hard Work

Usagi is on her way to school, running late, when she notices a poster for an energy drink featuring a local celebrity, Mikan Shiratori. While she's looking at the poster, Naru runs past her and smacks her in the head with her bag. At school, Naru tells Usagi she ought to thank her, because the smack in the head prevented her from being late. Yeah... one of the themes of this episode is Naru being a terrible person, so brace yourself for more of that. Umino has a copy of the poster Usagi saw, which he obtained through the internet. It's kind of interesting to see a reference to the internet in a show from 1992, and though it makes sense that Umino was an early adopter, in this show he seems to be using it in school, with a laptop and no modem. The text on the laptop display is huge, so at least that's authentic.

Umino uses the early nineties internet to reel off a lot of biographical data on Mikan Shiratori: she went to their school, she's 17 years old and she's currently making a fortune. She was also supposedly discovered right there in town. Some of the girls wonder how the talent scouts have missed them, and say they must be blind. Umino replies that, no, they can evidently see very well. It's a mean thing to say, sure, but if there's one thing we know about Umino, it's that he tends to offend people without even trying. In fact, he's trying to pay a compliment to Usagi, who he says is the school's next undiscovered star. The other girls look pretty unimpressed at this announcement, and even Usagi, bless her, seems surprised.

Still, she ultimately seems kind of taken with the idea. Meanwhile, Jadeite is spying on Mikan Shiratori, who's signing autographs at the launch of her new TV show, called Rock! Paper! Scissors! Seriously, that's the name. I'd say it's the least interesting premise for a show imaginable, but we already have an international hit show that consists entirely of people guessing what's in a box, so I guess I just don't understand what sells.

At Usagi's place, Usagi and Naru have decided they'll become celebrities, and they start work on their singing act. So they put on a song to practice singing. Now, the show does sometimes have these moments where someone will start singing something from the soundtrack, but at this early point in the show's existence, there wasn't a soundtrack, so they try to sing Moonlight Densetsu, which is the theme song. I guess it isn't actually that unusual for characters in a show to acknowledge the theme tune in some knowing, wink-to-the-audience moment, but I've always found it to be a bit tiresome.

Anyway, Usagi and Naru suck. Their singing is awful, but their dancing seems to somehow be worse, and they seem unable to move around without hitting each other. Shingo comes in at one point to complain about the terrible noise. The girls blame each other for how bad they are, and then decide to split their act up, declaring that they will be rivals from now on.

Later, Usagi and her family are watching TV. Now, I don't know whether it's due to the cleanup job on this episode, but there's something in this scene that I managed to miss every time I've watched it before, and it kind of makes what follows make more sense. So, there's a guy on TV and he has this trained monkey wearing clothes that does stuff when he gives it commands. But you don't see the screen for very long, and when I first saw this episode, I totally thought that monkey was a little old man.

In my defense, I first saw this scene in a Real Media fansub, which is sort of like watching a show via animated forum avatars, such was the low resolution. I just always assumed that this was some impenetrable Japanese comedy show which makes fun of short people because being short=comedy gold or something. The scene is so short that I guess I never really looked at it after that first time.

The show is actually about performing animals, I guess, and the trained monkey (which doesn't even look that much like an old man, what was I thinking) gives Usagi an idea. Her singing career ended before it got off the ground, but she totally has access to a super-intelligent animal! So she takes Luna to her room, and... has her do the same super-basic trick the monkey did. Have some originality, Usagi. This cat is probably smarter than you...

Umino shows up at Naru's place and... oh right, this part. Well, I might have been too harsh on the show earlier when I just assumed it was using short people as a punchline. But hey, you know what's always funny? Men in dresses!

Okay, okay. This show is from 1992, and even in 2014, we're still at a point where "lol, man in a dress" is an oft-used punchline. Early-nineties Japan was pretty piss-poor on LGBT rights, and Sailor Moon was amazingly progressive for its time. But it's like watching old episodes of Star Trek: we can appreciate it for being ahead of its time on social issues, but there are plenty of bits that are just blatantly sexist by today's standards. And that doesn't make it a bad show, it's fine to like it, but it's important to acknowledge those dodgy parts for what they are, and not make excuses.

So yeah, the whole Umino-in-a-dress part is borderline offensive, but it's also just weird. Usually when a show puts a guy in a dress for comedy purposes, they'll go with something outrageous. But with Umino...

Naru dresses him like a Sunday School teacher or something. And then proceeds to be awful to him throughout the scene, reassuring Umino that this will make Usagi like him, while commenting to herself that he looks hilariously bad in the dress she made him wear.

Meanwhile, Mikan Shiratori is attacked in the shower by a genuinely freaky Youma that sprays her with... I think it's supposed to be a sort of liquid glass. It imprisons her in a cocoon of this stuff, then takes on her appearance, and we cut to...

Jadeite and Evil Mikan. Jadeite is barely disguised as some announcer, and they're on a mobile outdoor stage encouraging kids to join the Cinderella Caravan and become celebrities. Then the satellite dish on top of the truck starts emitting waves that make everyone present want to be famous. Question: if this plan is supposed to be feeding off the desire to be famous, why is it necessary to hypnotize people into wanting to be famous? I dunno, it's a minor complaint, I suppose.

At school, the girls are talking about the Cinderella Caravan, which Usagi hasn't heard of, so hey, it's another opportunity for Naru to be insulting. Usagi gets the idea of taking her "act" with Luna there in the hopes of being discovered. Then Umino walks past and acts effeminate because, you know, he wore a dress recently. Comedy gold!

The Cinderella Caravan is almost busted when the cops show up, and... wait, Tokyo has cops? Could have fooled me these past six and a half episodes. Okay, so it's just one cop, and he wants to know why all these kids aren't in school. Also, Mikan's manager shows up, wanting to know why she's cancelled all her bookings. But they're hit with the fame-ray like the others and become wannabe celebrities, forming some sort of entry-level gymnastics act.

Usagi tries to get Luna to go to the Cinderella Caravan with her, but Luna refuses, explaining that she humored Usagi with her act because she thought the change of pace would be good for her, but actually trying to become a celebrity would get in the way of their mission. It's a bit harsh, but I can't hate Luna too much for this, given that she's an intelligent being who's been made to perform one dumb trick repeatedly. Usagi is devastated, and runs off crying, but sees Mamoru. I guess he was away last time getting his jerk license renewed. He's also not wearing the jerk-shades he typically wears up until this point, and is, uh, smiling. This might be an attempt to soften him and make him more likeable, but most of his behavior is unchanged. He asks if Usagi is going to the Cinderella Caravan and then mocks the idea, rather than, I don't know, asking the clearly upset girl what's wrong. Usagi leaves in a huff, and Mamoru watches her go with a smile that isn't inherently creepy, except it's completely static and lingers on the screen for way too long.

So, back at the Cinderella Caravan, two of the girls from Usagi's class, Kuri and Yumiko, are doing a stand-up routine, and... okay, translation, you just impressed me with how you handled that untranslatable bread/pants pun. I mean, yeah, the joke is awful, but I think that was the point. Kuri's also speaking in a Kansai accent, which is Japan's comedy accent apparently. Evil Mikan stamps their hands and they advance to the next round, despite being terrible. The same goes for Naru and Umino, Umino having replaced Usagi in Naru's singing duo. The qualifying acts - which appears to be all of them - are told they'll be performing live on Sunday.

Usagi gets to school the next day, and finds her classmates completely preoccupied with their forthcoming fame. Kuri and Yumiko are telling more terrible jokes, Naru is practicing signing autographs, and Umino is distributing streamers because the rules of comedy dictate he has to be hit in the face by one later in the scene. Usagi wonders why everyone isn't getting ready for class, and you know things are bad when it's Usagi complaining that people are neglecting their studies. But the other students are too caught up in their fantasies to listen. Also, Umino gets hit in the face with a streamer.

While the students perform and then argue about who's the real star, Usagi and Luna discuss the strange behavior going on all over town, with people neglecting their jobs in an effort to become famous, and they speculate that a Youma might be involved. Hmm, you think? (Okay, I'm being a bit cruel - at least they figure it out beforehand rather than blindly stumbling into the trap...)

Usagi and Luna show up at the venue, and notice that there's no audience. Backstage, Evil Mikan tells the would-be celebrities that the audience is waiting, and sure enough, the seats are suddenly filled with creepy two-dimensional shadow people.The curtains raise, the hand-stamps the competitors received at the tryouts begin to glow... and the performances start. That is, all of them, at the same time. Evil Mikan starts collecting their energy via her microphone, and Jadeite supervises the process in the shadows.

Usagi and Luna, standing at the back, watch the performers and wonder what the hell's going on. Then Evil Mikan notices them, and rotates her head 180 degrees, because if you've got that skill, you might as well put it to good use.

Okay, that's pretty scary. Scary enough to make Usagi run off and hide in the bathroom, but after a few moments to compose herself, she transforms into Sailor Moon and returns to the auditorium.

All of the competitors are now drained of their energy and unconscious, but someone else is on the stage. It's Sailor Moon, who tells the Youma off. Unfortunately, the Youma still has the weird glass-blowing power it used to trap Mikan, and encases Sailor Moon in glass. Tuxedo Mask appears for his usual assist-and-distraction routine (actually, we haven't seen him outside of a dream sequence since episode three) and shatters the glass trapping Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon hits the Youma in the back with her tiara, and the whole auditorium gets a lovely shower of broken glass. The competitors all wake up, mostly back to normal, though Kuri hasn't quite managed to shake the Kansai accent. The real Mikan wakes up in her bath, looking confused. Then, back at home, Luna gets a bit of symbolic payback for her indignities earlier in the episode.

This is the last of the solo-Usagi episodes, and while it isn't the worst of the bunch, it's probably the least interesting. The plot doesn't do anything unexpected, the jokes are lazy, and while it does benefit from a scary Youma, even the fight scene plays out almost exactly as you'd expect. And what's with the title? Usagi Learns Her Lesson: Becoming a Star is Hard Work? Usagi doesn't even compete in the contest.

Monster of the day: Derella, who I don't think is named anywhere in the episode, and spends most of her screentime pretending to be Mikan. A good, scary Youma with a glass theme. I think the dress and wig make her way scarier, actually.

Most valuable person: Kind of a tough one, given that this episode was so generic, with everyone behaving pretty much as expected. I'm gonna go with Usagi, for taking things seriously and not holding it against Luna when she refused to compete. Also, that was a scary Youma.

Least valuable person: Naru, for jerkish behavior throughout the episode but especially her treatment of Umino.

The score for this episode is two stars out of five. Even leaving out the "Look! It's a man in a dress! Comedy!" stuff with Umino, this is an episode that just never seems to try that hard. It's not terrible, just ordinary and predictable. While the solo-Usagi episodes had some real highlights, maybe this was a sign she desperately needed some of those costars the opening had been promising for weeks now.